How To Know You’ve Truly Forgiven Someone

Q. How do you know if you’ve forgiven someone? Does feeling pain mean that you haven’t forgiven the person?

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness can be a difficult thing not only to do, but to understand.  By way of analogy, it can be seen as the relinquishing of a debt owed to you by someone else.  Often the debt is emotional, as in cases where you have been offended or maligned by someone, and you feel that they should make restitution for their offense.  If you’ve been ignored, you may feel as though the offender should give you recognition.  If you’ve been insulted, you might feel that the offender should give you accolades.  Whatever the case, there is something you feel should be done for you, or on your behalf.

This analogy can apply to our position before God.  All of us enter this world bearing the mark of sin, and because of it, we owe a debt to God which we are incapable of paying (Romans 5:12).  Jesus Christ assumed our collective debt of sin, and made restitution for it by His death on the cross (Isaiah 53:5).  The choice to forgive humanity was strictly by God’s volition.  We could not merit it; we deserve His wrath.  In the same way, when we forgive, it must be an intentional choice, regardless of how ill-deserving we think the offender may be, because that is what God modeled for us.

What It Is Not

It is a mistake to think that forgiveness and emotional healing always go hand in hand.  In fact, there will be cases when forgiveness is offered, but the pain remains.  I may pray for the strength to forgive someone who takes the life of my family member, but it will be a long time before the pain lessens.

That forgiveness is independent of emotion is what makes it so profoundly difficult (because we often think and act based on emotion).  Yet this also makes forgiveness so magnificent.  As we celebrate Easter, we reflect on the resurrection of Jesus, but also on his preceding death when, while hanging on the cross above His executioners, He asks the Father to “forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).  Jesus felt unimaginable physical and emotional pain, yet pleaded with the Father to grant forgiveness to those who murdered Him.  In the same way, our forgiveness must be intentional, independent of our pain, and modeled after God’s forgiveness of us: “as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:13).

This entry was posted on April 14, 2010 at April 14, 2010 and is filed under Christian Living. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.